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Paper Mario 64 Enemy Poems

(from when Aya and I played it in 2022)
(some early enemies and chapter 8 not included)
(they are mostly haikus except chapter 7 enemies which have limericks instead)
(swoop has the worst haiku)

---
Gloomba
---
Underground goomba
Confirmed seperate species
And not just lighting---
Spiked Gloomba
---
Aw shit, god damn it
It's that fuckin' goomba guy
Piss off, you bastard---
Blooper
---
Definitely squid
Unlikely to be a kid
But it's possible---
Electro Blooper
---
They equipped Zap Tap
I think that's maybe cheating?
This squid's a hacker---
Super Blooper
---
A new squid tactic
Sets it apart from others:
Weaponized children---
Paragloomba
---
Flying underground
Seems a little limited
In application---
Dark Koopa
---
Ascend Mt. Ordeals
To become Holy Koopa
Wait, that's the wrong game---
Spike Top
---
Here is the secret
They're just a buzzy beetle
With a deadly hat---
Spiny
---
Usually thrown
But sometimes they just exist
And that's okay too---
Kent C. Koopa
---
His name is "Can't See"
It's because he needs glasses
That one took me years---
Monty Mole
---
Burrowed underground
A stash of little grey rocks
To throw at plumbers---
Cleft
---
A chiseled jawline
But like, literally though
'Cause it's made of stone---
Buzzar
---
A deception check
Could have avoided this fight
But then, no star points...---
Bandit
---
Gonna steal your shit
At least probably your coins
Unless you kill them---
Pokey
---
Let's dissociate
Disconnect from your body
No wait not like that---
Pokey Mummy
---
Most organs removed;
Embalming confirmed canon
In Mario's world---
Buzzy Beetle
---
Same as a koopa
Except in an RPG
Now there are numbers---
Swooper
---
A bat upside down
In 2D video games,
Bats always do that---
Stone Chomp
---
They have carved a dog
Pay 200 channel points
And I will awoo---
Chomp
---
Looking for a pet?
Try a funny metal orb
It only eats blood---
Tutankoopa
---
Not a real pharaoh
Just went to party city
Thirty-four dollars---
Piranha Plant
---
Do not jump on them
Or they will chew on your shoes
Mario will cry---
Forest Fuzzy
---
They can multiply
And it's truly horrible
What a wretched beast---
Jr. Troopa
---
He is back again
And it is about time, too
He is in the mood.---
Jr. Troopa Again
---
He can fly real high
And with his peanut pistols
He's one tough koopa---
Hyper Goomba
---
Green means you can charge
What terrifying power
Does Luigi hide?---
Hyper Paragoomba
---
There's not much to say
This goomba is strong and green
What more do you want---
Tubba Blubba 1
---
He's kind of a lich
You have to find the soul jar
Or he can't be harmed---
Hyper Cleft
---
Some kind of green rock
Perhaps this is a new kind
Killmarioite---
Clubba
---
Sleeping on the job?
Actually, naps are fine
It's in the contract---
Tubba's Heart
---
This heart has a brain
Or like, personality?
Not sure how that works---
Tubba Blubba 2
---
Now vulnerable
It's time to deal some damage
And save all the boos!---
Whacka
---
To swing your hammer
Is to pave a path of sin
To Mario's Hell---
Shy Guy
---
What's under the mask?
That is none of your business
Leave that guy alone---
Sky Guy
---
Balloons can't hold much
So shy guys are very light
Weight of a pancake---
Anti Guy
---
You've made a mistake
Now's not the time for haikus
Run while you still can---
Groove Guy
---
In order to groove
You must dress like a jester
And then spin sometimes---
Pyro Guy
---
Flame! O, frenzied flame
Within madness lies the truth
Written in the fire---
Spy Guy
---
Tries to stay hidden
But this is not a jungle
He just stands out more---
Medi Guy
---
To be a doctor
You don't need medical school
Just a tiny car---
Big Lantern Ghost
---
Darkness mechanics
The worst part of many games
I guess this one's fine---
Shy Squad
---
Up to fifteen guys
If they were separated
This would take longer---
Stilt Guy
---
Eating cereal
"He will never jump this high"
Panel two spit take---
Shy Stack
---
A new formation
It's more elite than a crowd
I do not know why---
General Guy
---
Need tank insurance?
1-800-General
Call now for great rates---
Jungle Fuzzy
---
One of these again
Yellow and more annoying
And that's it, really---
Spear Guy
---
Outside the toy box
Tanks are toys, but spears are not
I guess tanks aren't sharp---
Hurt Plant
---
Before touching plants,
Please consult a botanist
Or this could happen---
M. Bush
---
Hey, I just warned you
Lots of plants are dangerous
Listen to haikus---
Putrid Piranha
---
More enemy plants
This is getting excessive
What's next, plants on fire?---
White Magikoopa
---
"Shoot the medic first"
The golden rule of combat
In video games---
Lava Bubble
---
Once called podoboo
But, no longer podoboo
Why not podoboo??---
Spike Top
---
A buzzy beetle
Mad about wearing a hat
Takes it out on you---
Lava Piranha
---
It's just IN lava
It's not a plant on fire yet
That would be silly!---
Lava Bud
---
Part of the same plant
But it gets its own attacks
I don't think that's fair---
Lava Piranha 2
---
Okay fine I guess
At least it's not some flower
With twenty power---
Lava Bud 2
---
Part of the same plant
So this thing gets four haikus
That's REALLY not fair---
Jr. Troopa again again
---
Swam through the ocean
But without relative ease
Crushing him's a breeze---
Fuzzipede
---
I forgot to write
Haikus about fuzzipede
Until the stream day---
Crazee Dayzee
---
You can't fall asleep?
Take 8 notes before bedtime
Side effects are: Pain---
Spiny
---
A living weapon
Though, anyone can be one
If you just throw them---
Lakitu
---
The infamous foe
The herald of the fourth world
The cameraman---
Green Magikoopa
---
Green, a calm color
For wizards who love defense
And Bastiodon---
Spike?
---
Please, respect his name
He chose it, so call him that
Names are important.---
Ruff Puff
---
Gaze upon the clouds
But, if the clouds should gaze back,
You must destroy them.---
Amazee Dayzee
---
The song of nature
Is a melody of war
Fight, and you will die.---
Bzzap!
---
There are no memes here
It's not time for Buck Bumble
Or Jerry Seinfeld---
Red Magikoopa
---
Red, a strong color
For wizards who love backflips
And falling off cliffs---
Yellow Magikoopa
---
Gold, a sly color
They charge the clouds with lightning
Which seems redundant---
Huff N. Puff
---
An old legend says
Straws and sticks are not enough
Try throwing a brick.[LIMERICKS ZONE]---
Jr. Troopa (5)
---
It's time for a fight with a child
Who's losses have made him get riled
He's not good with this weather
He forgot his feathers
I hope that his will has been filed---
Frost Piranha
---
This is a plant that will freeze you
And bite you as soon as it sees you
If Mario's frozen
He'll be stuck just posin'
So don't let that icy breath seize you---
Gulpit
---
This enemy spits a small boulder
But I thought that their theme would be colder
Maybe they could spit snow
Or give ice a go
But I guess they gave ice the cold shoulder---
Monstar
---
That's probably not just some babies
They're actually dangerous, maybe
They could have some attacks
Or just be some hacks
Or maybe they'll do something crazy---
Duplighost
---
They're not really good at impressions
Or asking you difficult questions
But you wanted this song
So you had to be wrong
We all have to make some concessions---
White Clubba
---
This clubba got quite a bit tougher
By moving where climate is rougher
With a different sprite
And a club made of spite
They'd like to see Mario suffer---
Swoopula
---
The bat has become a vampire
An upgrade to which I aspire
'Cause when you're that undead
A coffin's your bed
And you get to wear fancy attire---
Gray Magikoopa
---
Gray magic can make stuff transparent
How to deal with that isn't apparent
To have the audacity
To change some opacity
Is behavior that's rather aberrant---
Crystal King
---
A pyramid cube and a sphere
Are shapes that are nothing to fear
Two are default in Blender
Before they can render
Let's end his entire career

Thousand Year Door Enemy Poems

(Aya and I are playing this right now in 2026. Poems will be added as we progress)
(Many of the poems for Chapters 1, 2 and 3 were written in 2024)
(X-Naut currently has the worst poem)

0. Goomboard (2026)
---
Practice your violence in advance
Corrugation's the causation
Of your survival's better chance1. Lord Crump (1) (2024)
---
This guy's full of villainous vim.
Think he'll be binned with just one win?
You haven't seen the last of him.2. Goomba (2024)
---
They're Mario's most classic foe.
They may seem weak, but watch your cheek;
They who laugh first are the real schmo.3. Paragoomba (2024)
---
It must be grand to soar on wings
But one swift bop, and down you flop
Hopes and dreams are fragile things.4. Spiky Goomba (2024)
---
A hat upon soft squishy skull.
A foolish jump could leave a lump!
Your special move has been made null.5. Spinia (2024)
---
A stack of dishes? Set of plates?
Make mockery of crockery
And only suffering awaits.6. Gus (2024)
---
To charge a toll's a roll of dice
You make demands, but what you planned
Was not that YOU would pay the price.7. Blooper (2024)
---
Why are sewers full of squid?
Perhaps this one is on the run
Or wants to live off of the grid.8. Koopa Troopa (2024)
---
Thinking they're slick with their new drip,
They're quickly spurned, and overturned;
Cool shades alone don't make you hip.9. Bald Cleft (2024)
---
A smooth bald head of polished stone.
You have no hair, but still want flair?
Let your skull shine like this guy's dome.10. Bristle (2024)
---
Don't just save it! Use that item!
Being stingy's pretty cringey.
It's the only way to fight 'em.11. Cleft (2024)
---
With spikes for hair, a punk-rock guy
They might reject norms some expect
Like being hurt by moves you try12. Fuzzy (2024)
---
When freed from moving on a line,
If not suppressed, they will infest
And lead to nature's swift decline13. Gold Fuzzy (2024)
---
Though rare and gold, they're still a pest
Putting glitter on this critter
Was not enough to pass that test.14. Fuzzy Horde (2024)
---
The plumber changes jobs for pay
His newest role is pest control
An ever-growing resume15. Paratroopa (2024)
---
What if we simply added wings?
Just make them fly, and then deny
That they're still just the same old thing.16. Dull Bones (2024)
---
In colorful, cartoony land
Let it be known: There are still bones.
There's also hell, full of the damned!17. Red Bones (2024)
---
A method made by vampire:
Just raise the dead, then make them red!
Once you do, they won't expire.18. Hooktail (2026)
---
The brazen writer, standing proud
Has slipped in feet so sickly sweet
In Mario? Is this allowed?19. Spania (2024)
---
Don't feel like wings? Try adding spikes.
And change the hue. Now it's brand new!
Spin and Span are nothing alike.20. Pale Piranha (2024)
---
Colorless plant beneath the trees
It has its fun without the sun
For nature can adapt with ease21. Dark Puff (2024)
---
A cloud that moves with its own will
Can become fog, or even smog
Really, whatever fits the bill22. Vivian (2024)
---
Should siblings treat you like a weed,
Remember this: Find your own bliss.
Found family is what you need.23. Marilyn (2024)
---
Though media would not agree,
You can be tough AND know your stuff
Then lift your hundred PHDs.24. Beldam (2024)
---
Some people cannot be redeemed.
Their hearts are slime, their deeds are crimes,
And they will never be esteemed.25. X-Naut (worst poem award) (2024)
---
The bad guys need a type of mook
A person paid to help invade
And at the base, help clean and cook26. Yux (2024)
---
Another win for science team
With genes and tape they've made a shape
Fulfilling all their life-long dreams27. Mini-Yux (2024)
---
Behold! My friend, the triangle.
When they are here I need not fear.
Their defense is impeccable.28. Pider (2024)
---
Fun fact for you: spiders are friends.
They remove pests around their nests!
Except brown recluse. They must end.29. Magnus Von Grapple (2024)
---
"Hey hey! I'm back! And in a mech!
Its rocket fist will never miss
Get destroyed by my sweet new tech!"32. Pokey (2024)
---
A wiggly stack of spiny spheres
The desert's curse made cacti worse
A worm, a plant, a foe who spears33. Spiny
(2024)
---
A spiny's life is lived in shade.
For when you're known for being thrown,
Your own merits will tend to fade.34. Lakitu
(2024)
---
Emphasize "key" instead of "lack"
I've pronounced it wrong all along
This fact always takes me aback35. Bandit
(2024)
---
He lives his life on stolen coin
But you get cash per foe you bash
Combat earns more than he purloins36. Big Bandit
(2024)
---
A true thief knows what they should loot
But more than that, they know the strat:
Once you have it, it's time to scoot37. H. Bald Cleft
(2024)
---
They're charged with energy and spite
Here comes a stone that won't atone
Violent, vile variscite
(note: yes, i looked up "green rocks")38. Bob-omb
(2024)
---
When they explode they do not die
They detonate, and then they wait
To land as they fall from the sky39. Swooper
(2024)
---
On ceilings or near to the ground
I envy them, for on a whim,
They flip their perspective around40. Iron Cleft (Red) (2024)
---
Sometimes in life you'll surely fail
Discover clues, learn something new
With knowledge gained you can prevail41. Iron Cleft (Green) (2024)
---
Made of unknown material;
What is it for? This armored ore?
Oh right; It's a tutorial.42. R.S. Buzzy / Spike Top (2024)
---
With spike and shell they climb the walls,
An endless loop until they're booped
A path that changes once they fall43. Shady Koopa (2024)
---
Behind shades, eyes smile and gleam
For their whole schtick is pranks and tricks
Come jump or pow block, they've got schemes44. Shady Paratroopa (2024)
---
Why not have wings? It's time to fly!
Their tricks are found upon the ground.
They realize this, and then they cry.45. Green Fuzzy (2024)
---
Divide and conquer's what they say
Splitting in two? Hey, you do you.
A new and innovative way.
(This line used to be "I don't think they meant it that way" but I know way more plural systems than I did in 2024)46. Flower Fuzzy (2024)
---
What if termites summoned lightning?
Or locusts knew hocus pocus?
Nothing could be more frightening.47. R. Magikoopa (2024)
---
Some commonly cited advice:
The best defense is good offense
But why not both? That's twice as nice.48. W. Magikoopa (2024)
---
Debut of medics means it's time
We must reckon with the question:
Can Mario do a war crime?49. G. Magikoopa (2024)
---
Boring buffs they shall not deploy;
A hodgepodge of zap tap and dodge
Those are the spells that they employ50. Bowser (1) (2024)
---
Villains plan for the very end.
But sometimes heroes and their foes
Just meet each other 'round the bend.51. Hammer Bro (2026)
---
Majestic arc of deadly tools
Needles to thread with sense of dread
A classic retro gaming duel52. Boomerang Bro (2026)
---
Some things in life may quickly pass
But don't ignore what came before
It may return to bite your ass53. Fire Bro (2026)
---
Fearlessly, he wields the flower
No hits can quench the flames he spits
Can Mario learn this power?54. Dark Craw (2026)
---
The guardian of gates below
The devil's eyes defy sunrise
Your day will end with javelin throw55. Red Chomp (2026)
---
This one was once a normal dog
But spattered red with blood they shed,
Their mind clouds with violent fog56. Dark Koopatrol (2026)
---
Sharp shining spines project your fears
What lies you tell 'neath shadowed shell
Eyes red, not from anger, but tears57. Rawk Hawk (2024)
---
Is this all staged, or is it real?
If it's no act, he sure lacks tact.
I guess you always need a heel.58. Macho Grubba (2026)
---
The fine print leaves no compromise
You sell your soul to make him swole
I think it's time to unionizeP1. Gloomba (2026)
---
Deep underground, a change in hue
Their days adjourned and sunlight spurned,
They seek the power of dark blueP2. Paragloomba (2026)
---
With wings they soar, through not the skies,
But moldy rooms down in the gloom
One of at least a hundred guys